One year since cancer diagnosis - June 2016
Showing posts with label my life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my life. Show all posts
Monday, July 3, 2017
Sunday, July 2, 2017
Lessons Learned (Part 2)
When my mom passed away two years ago February 2017 I went into a time of extreme quiet where I did very little posting on Facebook or other social media outlets. I did very little talking in general to anyone except very close friends, my husband and my kids. During this time I did quite a bit of reflecting. I did a lot of praying and talking to God. I was trying to understand why my mom was taken from us. God used this time to teach me about who He was to me, who I was with and without my mom, and who I am in His eyes. ( I have talked about this in previous blog posts.)
I again felt like God was leading me toward a time of quietness. And again this time it was not of my choosing but by His leading that I entered this quiet time of my life. In June of 2016 I was diagnosed with stage 0 breast cancer. This was not a season I willingly entered into. I knew God had things to teach me and in order for me to hear His voice I had to turn down the volume in my life. He ask me to be still. To just sit at His feet. To just listen to Him and glory in His presence. This was very hard considering I am a mom to two beautiful children, a wife, and a part-time preschool teacher. We live our lives at a fast pace. As mom and wife I attempt to juggle many different tasks at once and try to fill many different spaces for my family. I had to surrender to many hours of being still as I recovered from surgery. I spent much of the time just listening to the Lord's voice as I read His word, prayed and communed with Him.
From June 2016 to January 2017 I under went three biopsies, two MRIs, one ultrasound, numerous doctor visits, a genetic test, a double mastectomy surgery with immediate reconstruction and the placement of expanders, recovery from the initial surgery, a reconstruction surgery to place implants and recovery from the reconstruction surgery. My two surgeries were 3 months apart. That's a lot for a person to undergo and wrap your mind around. Let alone a body to absorb and recover from. So needless to say there was a lot to contemplate and lots of down time to be still. Some people (including me at times) might have seen this quiet season in their life as boring and frustrating and I did at times. But with God'saw grace He helped me to see this as a chance to sit at the Lords feet and just soak up His goodness, mercy and love.
When God leads us into those valley or desert places He does it for the purpose of teaching us and making us more like Him. It's not because He is mean or spiteful. It's because He loves us so much and desires for us to be like Him but He knows in His infinite wisdom that sometimes the only way He can knock off some of our sins nature and surrender to Him is to turn down the volume of our life, to close some doors until all we have is Him. When we are left with ways to handle life on our own we will. But God desires for us to call out to Him and need Him in ways only He can fill.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28 KJV
http://bible.com/1/rom.8.28.KJV
Not all things that God uses in our life are good. But He will use all these things good and bad to bring us closer to His image and to deepen our relationship with Him and our knowledge of Him. Many times we will we will never understand the why. But it is and the way we react to those times determines how we are affected and how we come out the other side of these times.
I again felt like God was leading me toward a time of quietness. And again this time it was not of my choosing but by His leading that I entered this quiet time of my life. In June of 2016 I was diagnosed with stage 0 breast cancer. This was not a season I willingly entered into. I knew God had things to teach me and in order for me to hear His voice I had to turn down the volume in my life. He ask me to be still. To just sit at His feet. To just listen to Him and glory in His presence. This was very hard considering I am a mom to two beautiful children, a wife, and a part-time preschool teacher. We live our lives at a fast pace. As mom and wife I attempt to juggle many different tasks at once and try to fill many different spaces for my family. I had to surrender to many hours of being still as I recovered from surgery. I spent much of the time just listening to the Lord's voice as I read His word, prayed and communed with Him.
From June 2016 to January 2017 I under went three biopsies, two MRIs, one ultrasound, numerous doctor visits, a genetic test, a double mastectomy surgery with immediate reconstruction and the placement of expanders, recovery from the initial surgery, a reconstruction surgery to place implants and recovery from the reconstruction surgery. My two surgeries were 3 months apart. That's a lot for a person to undergo and wrap your mind around. Let alone a body to absorb and recover from. So needless to say there was a lot to contemplate and lots of down time to be still. Some people (including me at times) might have seen this quiet season in their life as boring and frustrating and I did at times. But with God'saw grace He helped me to see this as a chance to sit at the Lords feet and just soak up His goodness, mercy and love.
When God leads us into those valley or desert places He does it for the purpose of teaching us and making us more like Him. It's not because He is mean or spiteful. It's because He loves us so much and desires for us to be like Him but He knows in His infinite wisdom that sometimes the only way He can knock off some of our sins nature and surrender to Him is to turn down the volume of our life, to close some doors until all we have is Him. When we are left with ways to handle life on our own we will. But God desires for us to call out to Him and need Him in ways only He can fill.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28 KJV
http://bible.com/1/rom.8.28.KJV
Not all things that God uses in our life are good. But He will use all these things good and bad to bring us closer to His image and to deepen our relationship with Him and our knowledge of Him. Many times we will we will never understand the why. But it is and the way we react to those times determines how we are affected and how we come out the other side of these times.
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Nothing compared to what is to come!
Jason Gray - Sparrows
You can't add a single day by worrying
You'll worry your life away
Oh don't worry your life away
You can't change a single thing by freaking out
It's just gonna close you in
Oh don't let the trouble win
You may feel alone
But you're not on your own
If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow
Lean in and it's hard to miss
Everything can change
When you make it His
Oh He wants to carry it
Carefree in the care of God
When you let it go
You'll find that He's enough
Oh you never leave His love
You don't walk alone
If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow
There's not a single star that's out of place
There's nothing broken He can't remake
If you long for hope when you're afraid
Oh look at the sparrow
Look at the sparrow
If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow
Even the sparrow knows
He holds tomorrow
18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18 NIV
This present suffering is just that only in the present. But in the whole view of my life it is only a bump that lasts for a moment. Am I induring a season of suffering? Yes but this too shall pass. This hardship is nothing compared to the wonderfully joy and beauty I will one day experience in Heaven. God is giving me the grace and peace to walk this bumpy road with Him. He knows what tomorrow holds not just in my lifetime but in all the lifetimes to come after me.
Yes I have cancer but yes they caught it really early. Yes this is going to be hard but not as hard as it could have been had we not found it so early.
So I really do have peace that passes all human understanding. This is a road that God will give me grace to be able to walk. And I will trust Him with all the details. I wll prasie His name even while going through this pressent situation.
Cancer cannot steal my peace. It cannot steal my eternal life. It cannot change who my Savior and Lord are.
13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13 NIV
Monday, July 4, 2016
When life catches you off guard.
I don't blog very much only when something touches my heart to the level that I feel I need to share with the rest of the world. Well recently I have had something happen in my life that I was fully unprepared for. When my mom passed away I was equally unprepared for that situation. But that my something purely emotionally that I had to walk through but this is something different.
I have been diagnosed with ductal carcinoma in situ which basically means stage 0 breast cancer or precancerous cells have been found that if left untreated could turn into tumors and eventually spread to other parts of the body.
I knew when I went for my first ever mammogram that they would review it. But I thought everything would come back all clear so I could move on with my life. I figured I would be done until the next year. I didn't even stop to think about any other outcome. So when I got a call from the doctors office telling me they found something unusual that they needed to scan some more - it caught me off guard. But I was reassured that this happens often and it was nothing to worried about. They told me I had calcifications which can occur without being anything to worry about but they needed to check to make sure it was indeed nothing. So with only a little anxiety I went for the follow-up scans. After two more scans they said they needed to magnify the area. So I had two more magnified scans and then the radiologists came in. I knew before she even spoke that something was not right. She said they had found 2 areas of micro-calcification that looked very unusual. She further said they need to do a biopsy on these areas to determine if they were benign or not. She handed me a card and told me the surgeon's office would call me and schedule and appointment. With lots of anxiety and fear left that appointment and cried all the way home not knowing what the future might hold and not sure what it all meant.
Next I went to the appointment with the surgeon and he studied the scan and also concluded that I needed a biopsy to determine what kind of tissue we were looking at. Though the biopsy he assured me that we would know what it was. I really at this point wanted to do the biopsy because I needed to know if it was something that needed more treatment. I wanted to know what I was facing.
I went and had the biopsy and then a few days later I returned to the surgeons office. My husband came with me to the appointment. And I am so glad he did because the diagnosis the doctor gave me was not what I wanted to hear. It was then I was told I had ductal carcinoma in situ. I knew basically what that meant even before I really knew what it meant. I HAD CANCER.
What?????
How was this even possible? How could I have cancer?
This was far from what I wanted but it what I have been given. And I choose to continue to pray, to continue to praise the God who made me , and continue to trust that God is in control and knows how all this will end.
I have been diagnosed with ductal carcinoma in situ which basically means stage 0 breast cancer or precancerous cells have been found that if left untreated could turn into tumors and eventually spread to other parts of the body.
I knew when I went for my first ever mammogram that they would review it. But I thought everything would come back all clear so I could move on with my life. I figured I would be done until the next year. I didn't even stop to think about any other outcome. So when I got a call from the doctors office telling me they found something unusual that they needed to scan some more - it caught me off guard. But I was reassured that this happens often and it was nothing to worried about. They told me I had calcifications which can occur without being anything to worry about but they needed to check to make sure it was indeed nothing. So with only a little anxiety I went for the follow-up scans. After two more scans they said they needed to magnify the area. So I had two more magnified scans and then the radiologists came in. I knew before she even spoke that something was not right. She said they had found 2 areas of micro-calcification that looked very unusual. She further said they need to do a biopsy on these areas to determine if they were benign or not. She handed me a card and told me the surgeon's office would call me and schedule and appointment. With lots of anxiety and fear left that appointment and cried all the way home not knowing what the future might hold and not sure what it all meant.
Next I went to the appointment with the surgeon and he studied the scan and also concluded that I needed a biopsy to determine what kind of tissue we were looking at. Though the biopsy he assured me that we would know what it was. I really at this point wanted to do the biopsy because I needed to know if it was something that needed more treatment. I wanted to know what I was facing.
I went and had the biopsy and then a few days later I returned to the surgeons office. My husband came with me to the appointment. And I am so glad he did because the diagnosis the doctor gave me was not what I wanted to hear. It was then I was told I had ductal carcinoma in situ. I knew basically what that meant even before I really knew what it meant. I HAD CANCER.
What?????
How was this even possible? How could I have cancer?
This was far from what I wanted but it what I have been given. And I choose to continue to pray, to continue to praise the God who made me , and continue to trust that God is in control and knows how all this will end.
Isaiah 40:31New International Version (NIV)
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 43:1-2New International Version (NIV)
Israel’s Only Savior
43 But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
My HOPE is in the LORD..not in doctors or in men.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Sometimes I need to slow down...
Well it's been a while since I did a blog post. I have kids and I am a teacher so the end of the school year gets very crazy for me. But even though it has been busy, the stress has not overwhelmed me. School is finally out for the summer so I think I might blog a little.
I have done a much better job this time around to take each task one at a time. I have taken enough time each day to just breathe, to relax and take time for myself.
One of my absolute favorite songs recently is one by Johnny Diaz "Breathe".
https://youtu.be/hnjeMwxFuBA
I love the lyrics of the song.
Is to take it in fill your lungs
The Peace of God that overcomes
Just breathe
Let your weary spirit rest
Lay down what’s good and find what’s best
Just breathe
http://life1019.com/songs/breathe-3/
So many times in life I feel like it is moving so fast and there is nothing I can do but hang on. But God reminds me it is in those times that I need to slow down, breathe, spend time with Him, and fill my lungs with His unending grace and peace. When I feels so spent and weary from all that life has drained from me it is that exact time I need STOP and spend time with my Lord. It is then more than any other time that I need to be refilled and revived. Life can be filled with so many things and all those things we pour our lives into can make us feel so very weary. In order to be able to give so much to so many people and things in my life I have to take the time each to fill my tank back up or I have nothing to give when others need me.
The Lord has impressed upon me over the last year just how very important it is to take a break sometimes and "just be".
The Lord will fill us back up with His grace, His mercy, His patience, His love, and His forgiveness if we only stop and allow Him to.
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV
http://bible.com/111/isa.40.28-31.NIV
I have done a much better job this time around to take each task one at a time. I have taken enough time each day to just breathe, to relax and take time for myself.
One of my absolute favorite songs recently is one by Johnny Diaz "Breathe".
https://youtu.be/hnjeMwxFuBA
I love the lyrics of the song.
Alarm clock screaming bare feet hit the floor
It’s off to the races everybody out the door
I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life
Ninety miles an hour going fast as I can
Trying to push a little harder trying to get the upper hand
So much to do in so little time, it’s a crazy life
It’s ready, set, go it’s another wild day
When the stress is on the rise in my heart I feel You say just
It’s off to the races everybody out the door
I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life
Ninety miles an hour going fast as I can
Trying to push a little harder trying to get the upper hand
So much to do in so little time, it’s a crazy life
It’s ready, set, go it’s another wild day
When the stress is on the rise in my heart I feel You say just
(chorus)
Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at My feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe
(bridge)Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at My feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe
Is to take it in fill your lungs
The Peace of God that overcomes
Just breathe
Let your weary spirit rest
Lay down what’s good and find what’s best
Just breathe
http://life1019.com/songs/breathe-3/
So many times in life I feel like it is moving so fast and there is nothing I can do but hang on. But God reminds me it is in those times that I need to slow down, breathe, spend time with Him, and fill my lungs with His unending grace and peace. When I feels so spent and weary from all that life has drained from me it is that exact time I need STOP and spend time with my Lord. It is then more than any other time that I need to be refilled and revived. Life can be filled with so many things and all those things we pour our lives into can make us feel so very weary. In order to be able to give so much to so many people and things in my life I have to take the time each to fill my tank back up or I have nothing to give when others need me.
The Lord has impressed upon me over the last year just how very important it is to take a break sometimes and "just be".
The Lord will fill us back up with His grace, His mercy, His patience, His love, and His forgiveness if we only stop and allow Him to.
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV
http://bible.com/111/isa.40.28-31.NIV
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Sometimes your the windshield and sometimes the bug
Disappointment comes in all different shapes and sizes. It comes at different points and different intersections of our lives.
Today unfortunately my son came face to face with one of those disappointments when someone he loves with all his heart told him they would come do something with him and then for whatever reason never showed up.
It hurt me so much as his mother to watch him face this and know that forever now when he sees this person my son will sees cracks in this person. This person is no longer perfect in his eyes and no longer esteemed in the same way as they were before today. As much as I know these days must come for my children it still hurts me to watch as part of their innocence is washed away by a flawed world with flawed people.
It is so very hard sometimes as a parent to watch your child grow up and go through all the things you know they must in order to one day be the adults you always pictured them to be.
Today unfortunately my son came face to face with one of those disappointments when someone he loves with all his heart told him they would come do something with him and then for whatever reason never showed up.
It hurt me so much as his mother to watch him face this and know that forever now when he sees this person my son will sees cracks in this person. This person is no longer perfect in his eyes and no longer esteemed in the same way as they were before today. As much as I know these days must come for my children it still hurts me to watch as part of their innocence is washed away by a flawed world with flawed people.
It is so very hard sometimes as a parent to watch your child grow up and go through all the things you know they must in order to one day be the adults you always pictured them to be.
Friday, March 18, 2016
Beauty is only skin deep....
Beauty is a fleeting thing. It disappears before you are ready. About the time you are comfortable in your skin and confident with who you are then it starts to slip away. We are bombarded with images repeatedly telling us what we should look like and how we should act. But we repeatly look in the mirror and are repeatly disappointed with what we see because it never measures up to the images we see in magazines, on TV or in movies. People run around trying to stop time. Trying to stop the aging process. People do all kinds of things to their bodies al, in the name of trying to capture their lost beauty and youth.
The fact is we must remember that the images we see in media and our modern culture are images based in a false reality where the real images are altered and air brushed to create false "people" who are skinnier, look younger and are more perfect than the real people they are supposed to represent. Nothing about these images is really real except that real people were used as the starting point and then their likeness was altered.
But as a child of God I have to focus on the truth that the enemy is fighting a dirty war where false images are used to degrade me and hold me down. They are used to cause me to falsely view my real worth and see myself as less valuable and less beautiful than I really am.
Now I am not trying to say I should inflate my worth beyond what is true. Nor should I value myself more than others but I also should not see myself as less valuable than others either.
For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.
Psalms 139:13-14 NKJV
http://bible.com/114/psa.139.13-14.NKJV
"Inner beauty is inside each of us. We are all beautiful in God’s eyes as we are created in the image of God. God doesn’t make junk. However, many people don’t feel beautiful inside. We are often smothered by a lack of confidence and even a lack of acceptance of other people. It is easy to compare ourselves to others especially when we compare our outward appearance. God’s word makes it clear that we are all beautiful to Him. Beauty isn’t just reserved for models and Hollywood actors and actresses. You are beautiful. Read the following scripture passages and let God heal you as you come to the realization of how much God loves and values each of His created beings. Beauty is more than skin deep. One interesting thing is that the love of another person will often make us feel beautiful. When we have the love of a spouse or our family member we will feel accepted and better about ourselves. When there is a lack of love in our lives, we often feel alone and isolated and even depressed. That is one reason why people are often drawn to the Lord God. God is love. It is what He is. No matter how alone we feel in this life we can always know that God is there for us and He loves us the way we are. Maybe today you are feeling alone and depressed. People have let you down in your life and you don’t feel any inner beauty. Turn to God today. He thinks that you are His masterpiece and He loves you. Embrace Jesus Christ today. Praise Him!!!"
Quote by: Bible Verses About Inner Beauty: 22 Awesome Quotes by
Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good. So the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
Genesis 1:31 NKJV
http://bible.com/114/gen.1.31.NKJV
Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.
I Peter 3:3-6 NKJV
http://bible.com/114/1pe.3.3-6.NKJV
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord , she shall be praised.
Proverbs 31:30 NKJV
http://bible.com/114/pro.31.30.NKJV
The Lord has opened my eyes to the truth of who I am. He has opened my heart to who I am and helped me come to love myself not just the outward appearance but also the inner parts of me that make me who I am. My prayer is that just like me that God will open your eyes to who He sees you as. That He will open your heart and that you too would also come to love yourself.
I am a child of the KING and that makes me precious and loved!
Lord I pray that you would allow me to have eyes to see the truth of who made me to be. Give me a heart to love myself and have an even greater love for those around me. Lord give me your eyes and your heart to impact those around me for you. Allow me to be a mirror which reflects You so that through me others are drawn closer to You. Lord I ask that anyone who might read this post would see You and yearn to know You. Through this that they would also come to know themselves as you see them and not as the world sees them.
Amen
Friday, February 19, 2016
The Legacy I Want to Leave.....
We have done our children a disservice by making them think that the world revolves around them.
Allowing them think that they must have our (parents) attention 24/7 in order to be happy and satisfied.
I just watched a 13/14 year old boy repeatedly demand the attention of his mom while she was trying to have a meeting with two other adults. Sad that this boy didn't have any manners or social skills in order to engage with the adults. He only wanted his mom's full attention focused on him and him alone. And she repeatedly allowed his loud requests to dominate her attention over the adults she was meeting with. Very sad commentary on how we are raising the next generation.
Far too many self-centered,selfish, and narcissistic children are raised in selfish narcissistic homes and grow up to be self-centered narcissistic adults. This is not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in or the kind of adults I want them to grow into.
I want to raise my children to be loving and caring to others. I want to teach them the manners of proper communication and how to engage in conversation with others not just demand attention. I want to teach them to see the value others. I want them to reflect the love of Christ to everyone that they come in contact with. I want to be the kind of example for them that allows the love of Christ to flow through me so I show love, mercy and kindness to whom ever I am around. I know it might be naive but I want my children to be a living legacy of improving the lives of those around them not just focusing on how the world can make them happy as they move through life.
Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
Philippians 2:1-4 NKJV
http://bible.com/114/php.2.1-4.NKJV
Allowing them think that they must have our (parents) attention 24/7 in order to be happy and satisfied.
I just watched a 13/14 year old boy repeatedly demand the attention of his mom while she was trying to have a meeting with two other adults. Sad that this boy didn't have any manners or social skills in order to engage with the adults. He only wanted his mom's full attention focused on him and him alone. And she repeatedly allowed his loud requests to dominate her attention over the adults she was meeting with. Very sad commentary on how we are raising the next generation.
Far too many self-centered,selfish, and narcissistic children are raised in selfish narcissistic homes and grow up to be self-centered narcissistic adults. This is not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in or the kind of adults I want them to grow into.
I want to raise my children to be loving and caring to others. I want to teach them the manners of proper communication and how to engage in conversation with others not just demand attention. I want to teach them to see the value others. I want them to reflect the love of Christ to everyone that they come in contact with. I want to be the kind of example for them that allows the love of Christ to flow through me so I show love, mercy and kindness to whom ever I am around. I know it might be naive but I want my children to be a living legacy of improving the lives of those around them not just focusing on how the world can make them happy as they move through life.
Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
Philippians 2:1-4 NKJV
http://bible.com/114/php.2.1-4.NKJV
14 Let all that you do be done with love.
1 Corinthians 16:14New King James Version (NKJV)
Saturday, February 13, 2016
The saddest day of my life....
The saddest day of my life was one year ago this month. It was the day my mom passed away. It was a day I always knew would one day come. I thought I was prepared to face this day but when it did I was not prepared for all it meant. And all the raw motion it bought with it.
My mom went to the hospital two days after my birthday for what we all thought would be a short stay. But the short stay turned into a long stay. Then it turned into an even longer stay. But I had hope that she would eventually get out and return to her normal life just the way it had been before. But for some reason she didn't get better. She just kept getting slowly worse.
The doctors tried many different things but everything they did had no significant impact on her overall health. She just slowly slid down hill. Three weeks after she had initially gone to hospital I got a call at work that I needed to go to the hospital to meet with the doctor. I had a sinking feeling this was not a good thing.
I came home from work, quickly packed and left for the several hour trip to where my mom lived. I headed to the hospital to wait for my other siblings to arrive so we could meet with the doctor. The doctor more or less said that moms chances were very slim and that the further into the week we went the more clear it would become if she was going to be able to recover or not. That was the longest and hardest week. I cried. I hoped. I prayed. I spent many hours at the hospital that week. But in the end she did not recover. She drew her last breath and passed from this earth to live the rest of her days in paradise with Jesus.
I was strangely relieved at first that she was no longer suffering. Then the pain and reality of what separation and death meant settled in. That was so very hard. It felt like a bad dream. But it was not.
I know I will one day see her again in paradise but until then I miss her so very much. I miss being able to call her. I miss being able to tell her about my life. I miss watching her with my kids as they love her and she enjoys and loves on them. I miss her being around and cheering me on. I just miss her.
My mom went to the hospital two days after my birthday for what we all thought would be a short stay. But the short stay turned into a long stay. Then it turned into an even longer stay. But I had hope that she would eventually get out and return to her normal life just the way it had been before. But for some reason she didn't get better. She just kept getting slowly worse.
The doctors tried many different things but everything they did had no significant impact on her overall health. She just slowly slid down hill. Three weeks after she had initially gone to hospital I got a call at work that I needed to go to the hospital to meet with the doctor. I had a sinking feeling this was not a good thing.
I came home from work, quickly packed and left for the several hour trip to where my mom lived. I headed to the hospital to wait for my other siblings to arrive so we could meet with the doctor. The doctor more or less said that moms chances were very slim and that the further into the week we went the more clear it would become if she was going to be able to recover or not. That was the longest and hardest week. I cried. I hoped. I prayed. I spent many hours at the hospital that week. But in the end she did not recover. She drew her last breath and passed from this earth to live the rest of her days in paradise with Jesus.
I was strangely relieved at first that she was no longer suffering. Then the pain and reality of what separation and death meant settled in. That was so very hard. It felt like a bad dream. But it was not.
I know I will one day see her again in paradise but until then I miss her so very much. I miss being able to call her. I miss being able to tell her about my life. I miss watching her with my kids as they love her and she enjoys and loves on them. I miss her being around and cheering me on. I just miss her.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Walk by faith
Saw this on one of my friends FB pages.
II Corinthians 5:7 NKJV
http://bible.com/114/2co.5.7.NKJV
This truly what I have done over the last year -walked by FAITH not by sight.
Forward in Faith
Walking Forward in Faith - devotional taken from Bible App - When God Says No
I’ve been there. I’ve prayed on my knees until the carpet permanently imprints its knobby pattern in my skin. I’ve cried out with my face to the floor, begging God to give me the miracle.
And then. And then. And then.
The “no” hit me with the breaking force of a hurricane, and there I was. Stranded on a path I didn’t recognize, headed down a road I didn’t ask to journey.
The paralyzing thoughts came, like Job’s friends, to say, “Why are you here? What did you do wrong?”
But, I believe the gospel of Jesus Christ. And I believe Paul when he writes that “affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope.”
So, I get up. I shake my frozen legs. And with the power that comes from Christ alone, I take an aching step forward down this strange path. The farther I walk, the easier it becomes because my muscles grow stronger than I knew they could. At times, I still have to dig in and scale the mountainside, but the view from where I stand is lovelier now than it ever was on the easy path.
And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Romans 5:3-5 NKJV http://bible.com/114/rom.5.3-5.NKJV
This devotional is a very real and accurate description of how I felt this time last year and over the last year. I spent much of January and some of February last year praying for a miracle. I prayed for and over my mom countless times while she was in the hospital, hoping for a miracle. But it didn't come in the form I had wanted. I wanted my mom healed (and she eventually was) and back to her life (she would never return to her life the way I had known it). I wanted her safe and sound in her life so I could return to my life the way it had been before she got sick. But God didn't perform the miracle the way I had wanted. I felt like He had said "No I have a better plan." And He did give me my miracle- just not the way I had wanted.
So I did indeed feel stranded on a path I had never asked for, heading in a direction I had never wanted to go, walking towards a destination unknown. So I was faced with a choice either stay where I had somehow landed or get up and start walking this road that lay before me. But I knew I couldn't stay where I was in a deep valley of sadness and sorrow forever. I knew I didn't want to stay in the valley of grief forever because my soul yearned for joy and peace. Sadness, sorrow and grief do not provide a place for joy and peace in your life. I knew I had to walk the road filled with sorrow to eventually get to a mountain top of joy. But I also knew this was going to be the hardest road I had ever walked and I didn't want to go through this fire and pain. But I had no choice unless I chose to lay down and give up in this valley. And that is just not me.
So I stood up, tears pouring down my face, and began to walk the path in front of me. I praised the Lord as I walked. Prayed to the Lord for strength as I walked. And somehow I did walk! I walked and continue to walk this path only because of the strength God is giving me. Some days I want to stay in bed and wallow in my grief but I instead chose to get up. I chose to take some steps however wobbly they may be. But to keep moving toward the destination of one day being molded to look more like Christ and less like me. And this can be a painful process - letting go of me and my reactions and replacing them God and His actions. I have shed many tears and prayed many prayers pleading with God to take me out of this fire and off this path. He has graciously said "no" all the while providing comfort and strength. He knew to truly bring me to place where I trusted Him and walked with Him alone He had to bring me through this fire and down this road.
But I have to say I have walked further down this path than I ever thought I could. Almost a year later I can say I am much stronger than I thought I was. Life is much sweeter than I thought it could be. I am at peace with where God has taken me. And all of this is to say that there will be other fires and other trials where once again I am faced with the choice of how I am going to respond. I can either praise Him through the pain and trust that He does indeed want what's best for me or I can try to go it alone. I would much rather walk this path with Him than alone.
God is gracious and merciful. He has provided all that I have needed over the last year.
Thank you Lord for being my Jehovah - jireh!
Genesis 22:14
And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovahjireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the LORD it shall be seen.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Reflections of the heart
Proverbs 27:19New International Version (NIV)
I saw this on Facebook the other day and I thought it was a fitting picture of how I see this blog. As I write and share the pieces of my heart through this blog hopefully you will see that my life reflects those things that I find important.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Well I guess I am a blogger...
I have contemplated blogging for a while. But up until now I have not had the courage to put my thoughts into a manner that could be viewed by so many. I have so much to say, so many thoughts in my head but just never thought they were worthy of putting down in words for others to read. Well I am going to try this.
So here we go.....
My life consists of so many things that I would consider my loves - my husband (of 17 years), my two children (ages 11 and 8), my church family, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, my job and my biddy kids (my 3 year old class - 15 kids), my extended family and my friends.
Some of these can be more of a frustration than others. But above all I love them and thank the Lord for placing them in my life.
I am truly blessed beyond measure to be touched by so many and in turn touch so many with my life.
So here we go.....
My life consists of so many things that I would consider my loves - my husband (of 17 years), my two children (ages 11 and 8), my church family, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, my job and my biddy kids (my 3 year old class - 15 kids), my extended family and my friends.
Some of these can be more of a frustration than others. But above all I love them and thank the Lord for placing them in my life.
I am truly blessed beyond measure to be touched by so many and in turn touch so many with my life.
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